Thursday, October 27, 2011

Before I get on to the much anticipated topic of the day, here's an interesting day.. food-wise. Breakfast was one beautiful pink guava with Kyoto grapes, sprinkled with date sugar and cinnamon. On the side honey spirulina mixed with pure aloe vera juice. Got a new magazine that the magazine store at Thomson Plaza brought in, health magazine of course. Really nice, read about a quarter of it so far.
By lunch I was madly craving for soup. Warm clear soup gives me this fuzzy feeling. One that represents love and home. Haven't been having soup on a regular basis compared to my daily dose in the past, as our soups are brewed with chicken bones and I don't eat them anymore hence it's hard to come up with Chinese soups. Now this ingredient saves the day. MISO! I found so many varieties of it. This on that I bought is sweet white miso. Subtle and fine in taste.

My white miso corn soup was cooked without stock using the corn cobs after de-corning it. Added in Japanese white sweet corn and organic chye sim (I almost sweat organic chye sim tastes better than those in the market). Seasonings were simple. A dash of Japnese reduced-sodium soy sauce and TONS of white pepper. On the side 4 pan fried tofu vegetable dumplings. This is my happy meal. I don't need no Mac's. I cooked a big pot of soup, had two large bowls of it and packed the remaining for broddy's lunch side.
My parents go to this great place for alternative treatment for general problems. Uncle Justin Morais was featured in the newspaper before but daddy and him knew each other much before that I presume. He uses machines; non-harmful, non-invasive, to help alleviate problems. They have been seeing him for a very long time but today after having much more interest in natural healing, I decided to take a look. Interesting concept and he highly advocates alkaline water. Mummy and daddy are swayed by him and we will be getting it :) It has so many benefits. Especially for gastric (me) and eczema (sister and broddy). Caught this sign on a door there. Ah, I love such straight up quotes.
Bought these two from a regular Fairprice. Look how the organic market is growing in Singapore! Excellent, simply splendid! Black rice and flax seed goji berry "powder".
Had some papaya in the late afternoon and for dinner I tried out this recipe off here. It's really great! You could omit the rice vinegar as I think Westerners like to use that for an "Asian" feel but we Asians don't use it most of the time. I loved how light but subtly flavorful this tasted. Baked tofu parcels with shitake and capsicum. I had it with black rice and a bit of my grandma's ikan bilis (anchovy) sambal. Okay I might have added a little more than that! Hahaha. Enjoyed myself although I did have slight gastric after that.
This is my night snack. I love Barbara's Snackimals! They come in 4 flavors. I've tried 3 so far. Oatmeal, peanut butter and snickerdoodle. My favorite at the moment is oatmeal followed by snickerdoodle. The peanut butter just didn't scream out like I wish it would. The last flavor is vanilla, can't wait to try it. These are pre-portioned packs so it makes the munching more manageable. Relatively fine sugar wise, so no sugar spike like I always get that leads to very very bad cravings.
So now it's down to THE topic, THE big reveal.... THE truth.

I have mentioned over-eating, binge-eating and my struggles with them. Tried different ways to overcoming them. Some backfired, some worked for a day or two. This morning I had my quiet moment with God. The day went by great. I think I really needed that moment of spiritual connection with Him.

The past 4 months have been so mad the first thing I do is to log on to the computer and check my work/emails etc. But I'm a morning person, I'm a 'I-need-to-start-my-day-right' kinda girl. What is "right" when God isn't in it? Call me overly-spiritual, holy or whatever. I NEED this peace that only God can give, the peace that surpasses all understanding. It will never be real unless you've felt it.

I was researching binge-eating the other day in desperate need of help as not only have I gained unnecessary weight, I've also gotten very emotionally unstable (as if my previous frailty wasn't bad enough), my meal plans were revolving around losing the weight that I've put on and I wasn't me. I hated myself every single second. Here I am now, finding this clip online that did EXACTLY what I did. No I am not kidding. 'Cept the last part where she eats out of her garbage, I don't do that. As I'm quite the bacteria-averse individual. But have a look and I wonder if my pain translates through. It did for me as I cried from the start to the end. No I didn't just cry, I wept. Because I saw this 'ugly person', I saw ME.

Yes I did say those exact words like, "okay now I need something salty." Seriously! After maybe tons of kaya bread and cakes I need salty? It's more like I need to STOP. It is a disorder in its own right. I am not bulimic as I don't purge out the food. I have had thoughts on it but it doesn't carry through as being an acid reflux patient, I fear the constant taste of acid at the back of my throat. So throwing up is something I am not only disgusted by but utterly fearful of.

Binge-eating is a nightmare. You get some kind of kick that you're "in control" at that point in time. For most part of my life I've never been in control. My grades sucked, most people either pretended to like me or didn't like me (I do have good friends though), the person I loved never loved me and I never got to pursue my passion and dreams. Neither did my dreams look for me. The silliest thing I could ever do was to think shoving comfort food into my mouth would be a form of "control". As I view it from hind sight, it's the complete absence of control. I once read, "we never have control over the things that happen in our life. But we are able to control what we eat and how we look. So why not make good use of it?" It makes so much sense to me now. I have so many emotional layers it isn't easy to rip them off but layer by layer will do it.

My nutritionist did point out that I may be lacking in some nutrients hence my body is always not feeling satisfied. She recommends that I drink lots of fresh green juices and blends to add these into my system. So more Green room cafe for me? I certainly think so!

I've wasted almost an entire year on binge-eating and have put on 4kg as of now. I feel so miserable but the only way to a healthy lifestyle is to... EAT HEALTHY. I do know the whole concept of it, I know how to go about it, I just need the discipline and focus. It's all about the bigger picture. I love how a good meal that is nutrient-packed makes me feel. I feel "light" and not easily worn out. My head is clearer and I am able to focus. At this point in my life now, there is nothing else I can have control over except to eliminate binge-eating. My God is greater than every possible thing in this universe. He is so good. He will be my strength.

xoxo. God bless.

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